A Cosmo example

Oh Cosmo, you have done it again. After writing my letter to your editors and then perusing your page I have realized just how dead on I was. Need an example? Well, here ya go…

12 Kinky Quickies

A recent study found that people who engage in a little kink are happier and more secure in their relationships than the all-vanilla set.

1. Get Freaky and Festive

With Halloween around the corner (the masks, the mystery!), kink is in the air. Whether you’re going as a sassy cop or a vampy vampire, before heading to a costume party, spend a few breathless minutes with your criminal or prey, even if it means arriving orgasmically—we mean fashionably—late.

Seriously Cosmo? Did we forget that some, aka tons and tons of the women, who read your page are mommies, whom are probably spending Halloween taking their little kiddos around trick or treating. I will let you know what happens when I show up at my neighborhood party with my tits, ass and vagina hanging out. I am sure that the parents will love me, especially after I am late with the pizza I am required to bring because I was having a quickie with my husband. Remember that I have to do said quickie all while my kid is screaming about his Storm Shadow costume not fitting right!

Oh and that vampire costume you talk about probably costs close to $100.00 at Halloween Express! I am NOT spending that kind of money on a stupid costume!

2. Try Some Invisible Bondage

You don’t need tools to bind. Have him command you to hold a position (“put your arms above your head and don’t you dare move them”). Or push his arms behind his back and tell him to keep ’em there—or else. Use your dirty imaginations to decide what the consequences are for disobeying.

Command me?! My husband is lucky to get in me at all, let alone command me to hold some stupid position for god knows how long. I might play this game if it is me commanding him to cook dinner and do the mountain of laundry on the bathroom floor, now I could get into that!

And what “dirty imagination”! I used up all my “imagination” decorating cookies for my kids Halloween class party. I spent four fucking hours trying to make them look like the stupid Pinterest picture! I don’t have any creativity left in me!

3. Make the Most of Your Lunch Break

Meet him for a midworkday roll in the hay. First, raid the supply closet: Snag a ruler (to spank him with) and a highlighter (to grade his performance with). Be his demanding boss (or vice versa), and scribble an A+ on his inner thigh after he attends to your executive needs.

For those working women this might be really hard, especially if you work on opposite sides of town and live where I do and traffic is crazy, but even for us stay at home women, this is just laughable advice. Could we be any more corny right now? Scribble an A+ on his inner thigh? Ummmm…is this the 1800’s? Are we doing Demi Moore in “The Scarlett Letter”?! Hell, would it even show up with a highlighter? I would need a thick, black Sharpie to get through my husbands leg hair!

I admit I have thought about going to my husbands office and jumping him, but yeah it wont happen because, “Aint nobody got time for that!”

4. Wear Your Kink on Your Sleeve

If it’s going to be quick and dirty, be creative with belts, scarves, and tights (just know your tights won’t make it back on you in one piece). Use your scarf to bind his wrists. Use his belt to thwack his butt when he’s being bad. Or let him rip open your tights the second you come home from work, and do it right there against the door, your skirt hiked up around your waist.

I am all for some quick action, sometimes that is all we have time for, but reality is that when most women get home from work there is a ton of shit to do, not to mention a few little ones hanging around. Everytime my hubs comes home from work, my kid is sitting right beside me, so how would he slam me against the door? And if we go upstairs for even a freaking second, all we hear is banging on the door and then he uses tweezers to open the locked door! (Yes, that just happened! I told you he is a little shit!)

And yet again, nice tights can be expensive and when I wear them I spend most of the day watching every move and step I make in order to not even get a prick in them, so ripping them off would just piss me off, not turn me on!

5. Take It Outside

Getting busy in a semipublic place is a huge risk, thereby doubling the wattage of your hot rendezvous. There can be negative consequences (just ask the Philly couple recently busted defiling a park bench, doggie-style, at 4 in the afternoon, by 25 cops on a bike-training expedition). Your best bet to pulling it off is to keep your clothes on (wear a skirt and no undies), and do it in a place where you’ll hear someone coming, like midstairwell—the footsteps on the stairs will tip you off.

This is age-old advice on spicing up the sex life, but honestly I just dont get it. Maybe it is the rush of getting caught, but when I do actually go out with my husband alone I just want to relax and not have to worry about anything like getting caught with a dick in my vagina. I have been known to give a blow-job while driving home from dinner, that is always fun for all, but I think that would still be considered “inside” and not in public.

As for the couple getting it on at 4pm in the afternoon in a public park, that is just plain nasty and so not cool. I would have taken out my phone and put there butts on my blog and YouTube!

6. Evoke His Blind Ambition

You wake up with 2.5 minutes to spare before your alarm rings. Rip off the cami you slept in, and tie it over his eyes. Now you can spin a fantasy using nothing but your words. Here, we’ll get you started: “All the neighbors are crowded around the windows right now, watching us.…”

Ummmm…I have not in six years woken up BEFORE my alarm. Is there a Mom who has?! Oh wait, maybe we do but it is usually to the screaming of a baby or toddler. Most women do not get enough sleep, so I am pretty sure on the off chance they just happened to wake-up 2.5 minutes before thier alarm, they would roll over and enjoy the silence of the room, not jump thier husbands for a quickie!

And if I said to my husband at 6am, “All the neighbors are crowded around the windows right now, watching us…” he would jump up and get the gun, not start banging me!

7. Keep Oh-So Quiet

Not being “allowed” to make any noise can be a huge turn-on, especially when something feels so good, you just want to express it! Stuff your thong or his tie into his mouth, then do dirty, dirty things to him until he’s digging his nails into his palms to keep from ripping that gag out.

I did this EVERY SINGLE TIME me and the hubs had sex when my son was a baby. For years I said during sex, “Shhhhh…don’t wake the baby!”. It wasn’t then and never will be a turn-on!!!

8. Make a Stopwatch Sexy

Not everyone is an orgasm sprinter. (For you long-distancers, a vibrator is a quickie clutch—and some are so small, they actually fit in your cute going-out one. Try the Kandi Kisses Rechargeable Lipstick Vibrator, $59, goodvibes.com.) Challenge your guy to get you off in record time, and make a deal that if he comes before you do, he’s your sex slave for a week. Win-win.

What in the hell is an “orgasm sprinter”? I love a good toy, seriously love my toy, but let’s be real my guy can’t get me off as quick as my vibrator. Not his fault, since the machine is made just for ultimate pleasure, he can’t compete. My hubs can last in bed, but chances are still good since having a baby and messing up my orgasm pleasure zone that he will come before me, so he would always lose. I have no desire to make my husband my sex slave, unless that includes me saying “You slave must go without sex for three months! No complaining!”

9. Use the Tools of Another Trade

A spatula in the kitchen can be used to swat a naughty bum. A hairbrush can be used to stroke his chest and thighs and tap into that pain/pleasure thing that kink is all about. A vibrating app for your phone can turn it into a toy to press against his cojones and make them feel muy bueno. The key to on-the-go kink is getting creative with your arsenal.

This is a joke right? No really, I can’t believe that someone actually thought this was something good to write. A spatula? Yes, just what I want on my ass and near my vagina, the tool I flip raw meat with! Nothing is sexier than kitchen tools, in fact I am going to go get my potato pounder and tell my hubs I want him to “pound my ass”. Or better yet, just plug the mixer in and stir my vagina on up!

And a vibrating phone app? While I know my phone could find one, cause you know they make some crazy apps, I am pretty sure that hearing Siri say, “I’m not sure what you said.” when his dick hits her button is NOT a sexy turn-on!

10. Be Dirty While Getting Clean

The shower is practically made for the quickie—who wants to linger in there when only one of you can be warm under the water? The ideal position for you is bent over, aiming the shower head at your hot spot while he’s doing his thing from behind. No removable shower head? Slick his fingers with shower gel, and have him reach around and give you some digital pleasure.

Since I know a lot of women who barely have time to take a shower that involves washing both thier hair and body, I am in serious doubt they have time for a quickie while in there. (This one is actually pretty detailed, whew, is it hot in here?!) I may be a dancer but I am a klutz and shower sex is just too hard to do without falling and ending up with a bruise. I mean damn, I broke my toe once shaving in the shower, so sex in there is out for me.

And the shower head aiming right at my “hot spot”? I have just spent five minutes in my shower trying to figure out how in the hell I bend over, spray my hot spot, and then him get in from behind. Are we having anal? And how in the hell does the water get on my clit? OOOOOOHHHHHHHH, I need a removable shower head?! Well damn, don’t have one of those, but even if I did I am thinking after having a baby (aka blowing out my vagina), spraying water up there probably means I could drown. So yeah, thats out!

11. Rev Your Engine

When he takes you out for a fancy occasion, park the car at the most underground point in the garage. Then straddle him while he’s buckled up (and still at your mercy), and show him just how much you appreciate his gesture.

I am all for some car sex, as I have said before, and since I have a BIG Jeep Grand Cherokee I could definetly pull this one off, but if you have a Pruis or some small car this would probably be hard and very uncomfortable. A steering wheel jabbing you in the butt can’t be a turn-on.

As for showing him how much you appreciate the gesture? Well, that is a load of crap. I stay at home and therefore I don’t make the money to pay for the meal, but I would think me just saying thank you was enough, why do I have to jump on his dick to say it!

12. Master the Multitask

There’s something really hot about going about your business while your guy gives you the business. Call him into the bathroom while you’re putting on your makeup, getting ready for a night out. Lift up the back of your (preferably silky) robe, and lean forward, resting your elbows on the sink in front of you. Continue to contour your eyes while he enters you from behind. Just know that this is not a time to use liquid eyeliner.

Really Cosmo? Freaking really?! Here is what happens when I am getting ready…

I shower at lightning speed because my sons football game got out late and I have thirty minutes to get ready. I scream at my son who is jumping on my bed because God forbid I not pay attention to him for five minutes. My hubs is asking me 100 different questions on what shirt, what pants and what watch to wear. My dog needs to be feed and let out before we leave because the sitter doesn’t do that. Dinner needs to be set out for the kid, so that he wont go to bed starving. Then I barely pull on my high heels, give the sitter directions and leave for our reservation, that was set five minutes ago.

When in the hell do I have time to be “entered from behind”?!!

So yeah, thanks Cosmo, but please know that while we may be an “all-vanilla set”, we are still super happy in our relationship and life. Trust me we don’t need all the kink, I am happy just being with my man and he is ecstatic to get in at all!

 

My letter to Cosmopolitan Magazine.

Dear Cosmo Editors,

I started reading your magazine when I went to college. As a freshman I remember walking thru the bookstore, grabbing it once a month and enjoying the “fun, fearless female” articles and advice.

Your magazine helped me feel okay with my sexuality. You taught me to have self-respect but to also have some fun! To not be embarrassed by wanting to have an active sex life. You showed me that I could be an intelligent co-ed but continue to have sex with whomever I wanted and that I should not feel guilty. That I make my own choices and that I am in control of my body and no one else. Probably most important you taught me that I could say NO, and if the guy kept going it was rape!

Then after college you helped me date, like for real date, not getting a dollar beer with a frat boy at midnight, but real dating where I was picked up and given flowers! You showed me what I should expect during a date and your outlines helped me see what made a date, and man, good or bad.

I actually owe you Cosmo for meeting my husband! Your guidance into the online dating world made me get on Match.com. You showed me how to set up my profile to maximize my man getting chances! Then when I met my guy you guided me through the intricacies of getting serious. You helped me get him to commit, you outlined ten ways to get your man to put a ring on it.

But, dear Editors, once he put a ring on it and a baby in it, you lost me.

I am a “fun, fearless female”, but I am so many things within that. I have a brain that needs more than ideas about JLo and fashion. I have a vagina that needs more than orgasms, tampons and toys. Being that I am a Mom and a Wife, I have a deep yearning for more than your magazine shows me now.

Where is the guidance on how to be a sexy while chasing a six year old son and 1 year old French Bulldog around? Where are the articles on how to feel feminine when you have had a hysterectomy, or cervical dysplasia? Where is a “How To” when Hannibal Lector gives you an episiotomy during delivery?! Or one on having sexy time while you have a baby attached to your tit?! Or when you are 35 and your boobs are deflated pancakes after breastfeeding, where is the bra that will make you feel like the Victoria Secret supermodel on the cover? Where are the articles about broken vaginas, broken bodies, and broken sex drives?

I understand that you “keep it light”, that you are not a parenting magazine, that you are about “fun”, but real life is not always fun, real life is rough. Sometimes the crap hits the fan, and being a “fun, fearless female” just plain sucks! You have so much power, you have so much to offer, so many women could be touched by your magazine and yet you have not tapped into that world, the world I call “after Cosmo”, the part of life I am in and so desperately need guidance to get through.

I hope one day, Cosmopolitan Magazine, you will use your incredible voice and call out to a devoted reader like me, a “fun, fearless female” who just needs more.

Yours truly,

MCS

Seven days of sex.

7 Days of sex, yep SEVEN DAYS OF SEX! Have you heard of this? There is a Lifetime Show called “7 Days of Sex”, the premise being that if you have sex everyday for 7 days you can “save” your marriage. Yeps, Google it. It is a thing, a book, a show, a challenge and pretty much the answer to all your problems, well according to the inventors Tony and Alisa DiLorenzo.

I have only watched 1/2 an episode of the show on Lifetime, but I have read a crap ton of articles on “The Challenge” and thought me and the hubs should give it try. My marriage is far from failing, but we could use some FIRE back in our lives. When I think back to when we first met, we would have sex two times a day some weeks so once a day for 7 days could not be that bad!

Yeppers, I was wrong. We lasted 3 days and then my vagina swelled up so big that I am walking bull-legged around the house. My vagina hurts so damn bad that I am slapping on my numbing Lidocaine Cream (which I am now out of even though I opened a new tube on Day 2)! My intentions were good, but the reality is on Day 4 I needed a break. And while I am hurting and hating my vagina, I actually learned a lot in the last few days about myself, my husband and my marriage.

#1. We don’t kiss anymore. By the end of the day, getting the 6 year old fed, bathed and in bed and then my husband being exhausted from working 100 hours, we do not take time to make-out. It is always wham, bam and thank you Ma’m. On the 2nd day, we finished up everything early, cut the TV off at 9:30 and crawled in bed to chat. We actually made out for over 30 minutes before we even got to naked time. The kissing was amazing. I felt like the couple from “The Notebook” without the rain storm. Think hands on the face, movie make-out session! It was emotional and brought back feelings I haven’t felt for a very long time. I love my husband very much, but I kind of fell in love with him all over again. From now on I want to make-out like teenage virgins first. I want to feel like I am being “touched for the very first time” all the time!

#2. It is more exhausting to fight about not having sex than to just have sex. I am tired all the friggin time, well at least I feel like I am. So when my hubs gives me his “I want sex” look during one of my shows, I roll my eyes and say I am too tired before I even assess if I actually am to exhausted to do the dirty deed. Then we have this long ass fight about how much our sex life sucks. I cuss, he cusses and then I cry saying “you don’t understand me” or “you don’t know what it is like to have a broke ass vagina” and an hour later I finally go to sleep alone with swollen eyes and a headache. I realized after the third night that fighting about no sex is so damn draining. Simply put, no one wins. Next time I want to say no, I will remember that while my vagina may get swollen, my eyes will not. Instead of sleeping alone or with a headache, I will have his arms around me and smile on our faces. Ahhhhhh…saying “YES” is invigorating and actually doing it is refreshing not tiring!

#3. I hurt my husbands feelings a lot when I don’t initiate sex. He always has to hit on me, always has to pressure me to get naked. I began to think what it would be like to have a husband who never hit on me, grabbed my ass, or made stupid sexual jokes. It would just suck. But that is what I do to him. I mean I tell him he looks good or sexy in a shirt, but I don’t grab him, jump on top and ride him. I haven’t done that for a very long time. Simply put I have been a shitty wife on that front. I do so much for him I think I forget things as simple as grabbing his ass and shoving my tongue down his throat shows him just how sexy I think he is. When I rip off his underwear in the middle of watching Hannity he becomes a sexual being, not just a Daddy or a work-horse. Men need that, they thrive on it and in the process of it all I too become much more than a Mom and housewife.

#4. There is nothing wrong with scheduling sex. I always heard before I got married that when you get to a point of scheduling sex then all the romance is gone and you are doomed. It kind of makes sense, but that was before kids, real jobs and well, freaking life! We schedule every important event in our lives, so what is wrong with penciling in sex?!  We get so damn busy, why not schedule some nights of loving? My hubs and I aren’t going to plan sex every time but if it has been a few days, I see nothing wrong with scheduling an appointment for a romp in the sack.

Beep-Beep.

“Siri, set a reminder to have sex tomorrow night at 9:30pm.”

#5. My husband is so much nicer after several days of consistent sex. I watch “New Jersey Housewives” and one of the husbands refers to his cum as poison, like he needs to have sex to get rid of the “poison”. I think this is the damn truth! When my husband doesn’t get sex for a while he becomes a fucking asshole. He doesn’t yell or cuss at me, that’s not his style but I can tell he is just in a bad mood. The stress piles up from work and life, but knowing he is going to get sex makes him relax, I can see a difference in his eyes, even his movements. I know crazy, but I swear it is the truth. When he knows he will be getting some that night, it is something to look forward too and in turn he is much more smiley and even romantic. We don’t fight as much, we talk more. He has even sent me tons of sexy/lovey emails and text messages, which make me smile and happy, in turn leading to more sex. It is an amazing cycle of more sex.

Me and the hubs only made it through Day 3, so we will have to start over. This next time we may not make it past the 1st day, but we will keep on pushing on. We will try, try and try again until we make it seven days straight and that my friends is okay. Each day we try will push us closer to each other not apart. Each try will make us stronger and in the end whether my vagina holds up doesn’t matter, my marriage definitely will.

“Camp Gyno”

It is not everyday that I turn on CNN and hear women talking about periods, shame, whispering the word tampon and asking the question, “Why do we feel like we can’t say certain words even in 2013?” *Cough, the word vagina* It was so truly exciting to walk in, cut on the TV and have this video appear on my screen! It is like the God’s in heaven wanted me, Mary Catherine, aka a broken vagina, to see this particular video!!

Video courtesy of: Helloflo.com

Bahahahahahahahaha!! I am not going to comment because the video is just too fucking good on its own!!!

The breast is best! It is I tell you and if you don’t believe me then you can suck my tit!

There are not a lot of things that piss me off. Okay, that is a BIG FAT LIE, a lot of stuff pisses me off, but seeing this picture last night on CafeMom.com REALLY got me stewing!

Ugh! Really?! Grrrrrr…

My son could not feed for five long days, and when he was finally allowed to get food other than IV fluids he did not want to get on my breast. This was a very stressful time for him, as testing was still going on for Neuroblastoma and he was still in the “healing” zone, so when we attempted he would get even more stressed out that the nurses would make me stop.

I suppose I “gave” up according to some breast feeding Nazis, but in my mind it was not worth seeing my son’s blood pressure sky rocket and his little baby face get dark red and purple from screaming. I did however pump and continued to pump from home for three whole months, but after three months it was just too damn hard. Pumping just sucks if it is all you do and eventually my milk did dry up and I had to supplement, so I stopped and gave only formula.

Here is the thing, breast feeding is a big deal to a lot of Moms and I know many who use it as a way of saying “I am a better Mom than you because I breast feed” and that is a bunch of BS!! Did you read what I wrote about the BS?! Breast feeding your child does not make you a better Mom. In fact, I know a lot of Moms who do breast feed and they are still horrible Moms!

Just because you choose to feed your child by the breast does not make you a expert on feeding my child or any other child, nor does it make your opinion more valid! While I do agree there are a lot of benefits to breast feeding, it is up to every mother to choose whether they breast feed and for some, like me, circumstances take that “choice” away. Hmmmm…last time I looked it was up to me whether I have sex, whether I have an abortion, whether I allow someone to touch me and whether I want my baby to suck on my tit! GAH! Nothing drives me more crazy than women who feel the need to snub their nose at me that I didn’t breast feed and I stopped pumping at 3 months.

I don’t judge you! I do not give a poop if you breast feed in public. I don’t care if you pop your tit out like this lady (although I admit she does have nice boobs) and feed your kid in the middle of a restaurant. You wanna show me, my hubs and my six year old your boobs then go right ahead, that is your right and your choice. More power to ya! But this lady in the picture went to far, she decided that she wanted to make a point, she wanted to make sure any woman who walked up to the Enfamil booth and wanted some info saw her breast feeding. I am pretty sure that no one would walk up, as I am sure she would glare at them and make them feel less than her just by simply looking at formula! I remember the looks I received when my son was born when a friend found out I didn’t breast feed, so many times I wanted to smack a bitch! If I had been there and had my baby, I would have sat my ass down right beside her and fed my child with a bottle that had the name of the formula written in big black letters with a sharpie! Hell, since my child is 6 and I don’t have another, I would have asked the closest mother to me if she wanted a break and could I please feed her baby for a few minutes!!

Lady, this is not cool. Not cool at all. Next time you want to make a statement of breast feeding, maybe just share a photo like this…

Photo courtesy of an amazing blogger I follow who just happened to post this picture on her Facebook page as I was working on this post! Thanks Funny Postpartum Lady!

Tunnels of love.

I went to an 80’s themed birthday party last night, and made a new bestie, Snooki! She is hot, sexy, and rocks a short pixie haircut! The best thing about her?! Well, you decide!

Yep, there is Snooki. Isn’t she beautiful?! I fell in deep love with her and as I got my drink on I believe that I did stick my fingers in her hole many times, all 3 holes. This morning I awake with memories of her and wonder about the exsistence of other sex dolls.

Let me introduce you too…

#1. Ashlynn Brooke

          

Do you fantasize about Ashlynn Brooks? Has one of the Top 12 porn stars been in your room since you were a kid? Pop in your favorite Ashlynn Brooke DVD and start the fun with her, the likeness is uncanny! With three holes she is horny and ready for you to slide right in. Watch her give a blow-job in “The Office 2: A XXX parody” while you “put it in her mouth”. She loves to be on her knees, enjoy her doggie style while staring at her tight butt. She can hold up to 300 pounds, so don’t worry if you want to be on top. Just don’t over inflate! The perfect girl for anyone who desires to be in bed with a porn star. She will never say “No” to you, she was born to be your slut!

#2. Fatty Patty

                                       

Forget those skinny bitches, big girls need loving too and this bitch is large and in charge!  Put a Ho-Ho in her mouth, grab those wide hips and pound her until she breaks, don’t worry that her vagina is near her bellybutton, with 3.5 inches of love tunnel she is ready for you! What guy could resist a perfectly pink vagina that has never been touched?! Does your wife say “Hell No” to anal? Don’t worry this girl likes it all, bend her big ass over and slide it in the back door. She can bend over and take it all night, so get it doggie style! Are you a boob man? Well, grab those Double F boobs, throw some ham and cheese in her mouth and slide your dick in between them to make a dick-sandwich!

#3. Lil’ Barbie

                

Are you like my 6’4 husband and like little 5’1 shorties?! Then this is the doll for you! Lil’ Barbie a POW, lost the lower part of her legs fighting the good fight, but those amputations won’t keep her from rockin’ your world! What makes her different from all her blow-up friends? Her real-life vagina, of course! Her soft TPR, Thermoplastic Rubber, vagina makes it feel like the real thing. TPR lips make her flexible allowing her to endure hours of endless pounding. That vagina will never be “broken”. Your girl will be jealous! Stare into her deep blue eyes, twist her pencil eraser thick nipples, while you finger her anatomically correct clit, causing her to be wild for you. Then lube on up and sink it in. Feel her cock stimulators, 100’s of little nubs perfect for a good rub. They may be a little rough at first, but the more you do her the less those nubs will hurt. Done with her? Just rinse her out with running water and wipe her, she will be ready to go again in minutes after drying!

#4. Lovin’ Lamb

                                                        

“Finish them chores, put the youngin’s to BED, Turn the lantern down, Behave like you’re INBRED!”

Just for the man who likes his animals! Sex with this sheep will guarantee you won’t go to jail for beastilaty! Her blue eyes and delectable red lips make her ripe and ready for your love. Lovin’ Lamb will not run away when you try to mount her, she will take it with a smile! Does Grandma get mad when you come in from the barn with sheep wool on your pants?! No more fears, this lamb doesn’t shed, so pound away Grandpa, pound away!

#5. Miho

   

The legs on the other dolls get in your way? Try Miho, Love pillow! She wants you to “take her hard”! Do you get tired of just two holes? Need more than front and back? Miho comes with 5 love tunnels! Yep, FIVE, front, back, both sides and one at the very base! She even has a removable pussy that can slip right in each hole, so when you are tired of one just switch to another! Don’t ya wish you could do that with your wife?! When you are done hugging her tight, clean her off and give her to your pregnant wife, she doubles as a body pillow! Nothing says you love her more than sharing your sex pillow with her!

What do I say about these love dolls? What do I think? Well, to each his own. Who I am to judge someone for getting it on with Fatty Patty or Little Lamb. I wish I could meet a man who actually uses one of these and interview what, why and how, but alas not a single one of the guys last night would admit to using one. My imagination takes me places that I don’t think I should share about who uses these, but I can give two pieces of advice to those who enjoy a romp with one of them…

1. Wipe her down after each use. There is nothing nastier than crusted up cum. Once dry, that shit is hard to get off!

2. Do not share with friends! Everyone needs their own. You CAN get an STD from the sharing of sex toys, so once Miho has been defiled, she should stay yours and your alone!!

Yep, I am talking about it!

Warning!!! This is a very detailed post and talks about a sex act that many people just don’t want to talk about….anal sex!!!! Gah! So if you are a “tight ass” then stop reading now!

Conversation with my hubs…

Husband: “Can we have anal sex tonight?”

Me: “Hell no.”

Husband: “What?! Why?”

Me: “Why are you acting so fucking surprised?!

I just don’t get men, I mean straight men like my husband, who just don’t seem to understand that I control what I do with my butthole! I control what I do with every single part of myself down there, my vagina, my clit, my butthole, my uterus, my fallopian tubes…okay you get the point, I am woman, hear me roar!

Oh anal, such a big deal, something many couples argue about and so taboo. Can you believe I am writing about it?! Mary Catherine plus a broken vagina equals talking about anything and everything related to down there! I have a lot of strong feelings about anal, like I do most things, so when he brings up his dick and my butthole so many things happen…

#1. My butthole actually clinches so tight that it becomes an impenetrable force field. His dick is not getting in there, hell not even a Jedi Knights penis could get up in there at that moment. Even writing about it right now I am clinching! Poor butthole is scurred!!

#2. When was the last time I pooped? Did I poop today? I gotta get the shit out before his penis goes in and packs it so damn tight it won’t come loose for weeks! Can we say constipated?! I remember when my son was a baby he had not pooped for days and he had a rock of shit stuck in him. I had to put on gloves and reach in and pull that poop out myself. Do you think my hubs would do that for me after?!

#3. Will his dick get poop on it? I understand that my rectum bends and curves, but the butthole is lined with feces, right? Even if I am on empty, it still is a tunnel of shit!

#4. Leaky asshole. I can deal with a leaky vagina after sex, but a leaky asshole, not so much! Poop cum trickling down my leg throughout the night, no thank you! And it will happen for days later too, remember “packed” in there, the cum mixes in, so as the days go by and I “move” it along with some pushing, the cum pours out.

#5. Will he get an infection from the poop?! What if he gets MRSA from my butthole?! It is a sanctuary for bacteria, full of germs that would love nothing more than to attack his penis. How would I explain that to the doctor? And how would they cut the MRSA out? You gotta cut that gunk out! I am crying for my hubs’ penis right now but my vagina is doing a little evil laugh, she wants to get even, she wants him to get cut, aka a mediolateral episiotomy! I can hear her chanting, “Anal! Anal! Anal!”

#6. How much lubricant do we have? We use a ton of lube when we have regular sex, thanks to my less than stellar moisture performance in my vagina after my hysterectomy, so do we have enough to get through a session of anal? I don’t think half a bottle is enough.

#7. It’s midnight. I am tired and anal just takes way too damn long. The process is excruciating. We have to lube up, get in the perfect position and then slowly get it in. It is at least twenty agonizing minutes just to get it all the way in. Then he has to take a shower after, you know to get the poop off and I wanna go to bed.

#8. Do I really feel like doing all the work? The twenty minutes it takes to go all the way in, is me on top, barely moving and using my arms which are shaking while trying to keep me up. I am usually in fuck me and get off mode, so working that hard for sex is just not my kind of thing.

#9. Speaking of position, I always have to be on top and in complete control. Doggie style anal, get the hell out of here! My husband can not be in control, pounding away! OMFG, I would end up in the hospital! I know he wants to just pump himself into oblivion, but I can not even think about trying it any other way than me on top. What if he breaks my butthole? What if he creates a hole from my rectum to my vagina because he is pushing too hard?! What if I have to have surgery to repair my rectum, no way in hell he is leading the way in!

#10. Does he just want anal sex because my vagina is not tight enough for him? I know I am loosey goosey like a porn star who has done too many movies, no it is actually more like I had a fat head baby and got cut open by Hannibal Lecter, aka my asshole OB, but I swear it is not that slack. Reminds me of a great loose vagina joke I heard…

Three girls are sitting at a bar talking about how loose their pussy is.

“My pussy is so loose my boyfriend can stick his whole hand in me.” says the first girl.

“My pussy is so loose my boyfriend can stick BOTH his hands in me.” says the second girl.

The third girl laughs as she slides down the bar stool…

Damn I am glad I did my Kegel exercises today!

For the birds.

Oh Alicia Silverstone, I loved you in Clueless but in this video you have made me wonder if you really don’t have a clue!

I am completely grossed out right now, and I know I will hear from the trolls, who email me tons of shit when I make a stand against something, ie my post on Lotus Birth, Placenta purse, which is still crazy to me, however chewing your food and then letting your kid suck it out of your mouth, that is just nasty shit! Yes, I said it and I take a stand that this it is just not okay!

Okay, the practice of chewing your food and then feeding it to someone else is called premastication.

Premastication, pre-chewing, or kiss feeding is the act of chewing food for the purpose of physically breaking it down in order to feed another that is incapable of masticating the food by themselves. This is often done by the mother or relatives of a baby to produce baby food capable of being consumed by the child during the weaning process. The chewed food in the form of a bolus is transferred from the mouth of one individual to another, either directly mouth-to-mouth, via utensils, hands, or is further cooked or processed prior to feeding.

Thank you Wikipedia.

Jesus freaking Christ, seriously Alicia Silverstone?! I get that you are all vegan and healthy and breast feeding goodness, which is wonderful, truly it is, but really is this necessary? Come on, I mean can we just not do this?! This must be a publicity stunt, and if so, well played because this got us talking about you. If you are going to do this chew and suck crap, then please just do it in private. I swear if I start seeing women at restaurants put their food in their mouths and then let their kid suck it out I will go crazy, like ape-shit crazy!

Further into the definition it says that many mothers in 3rd world countries do this, so that the child can get the nutrients it needs. In these places the mothers can not always afford foods that are rich in nutrients and chewable for babies, so they chew the food and then share with the baby. Isn’t Alicia rich enough that she can afford to buy her kid toddler food, and if she is crazy organic then she can make it herself or hire a damn chef! Do I need to mail you a food processor Alicia? I would be happy too!

And what about germs?! Gah! You have germs in your mouth. It is like the least sterile place in your body, except maybe your asshole, maybe you should just let him eat your shit straight from your butthole, it would be nice and smushy for him! Do you not realize that you carry germs in your mouth that should not be in your kid and his tummy? I understand that you kiss your kid all the time and you probably swap some germs, but you are not tonguing your kid, at least you should not be! Germs Alicia, germs. You are a health nut and should understand that!

What does her husband think of this? Is he the one taping it?! There is no way my husband would be cool with that. He would walk away and not kiss me for months if I did that shit! He would throw all my “nature” books away and cut off the Discovery channel. No more visits to the Zoo to watch the apes and pretty birds!

Am I all alone in this? Maybe just next door my friends kid is chasing her around the room while she is eating, hoping to suck some food out of her mouth. It certainly gives a new meaning to sharing!

Nothing better than shitty advice from the masses.

One of my most cherished hobbies is to get onto CafeMom.com and peruse the group forums for funny, crazy, or just plain stupid questions. My favorite part is reading the answers or “advice” that is given. Some of the answers make me laugh, but most make me want to get on Google, find the person writing it, and beat the shit out of them. One question popped out at me today…

“I’m pregnant and am having somewhat of a difficult pregnancy, last night I was having pain and pressure and my dh comes into the room and asks if we could have sex, I told him do you really want to chance it? So he gets up, shuts the door and when I get up a little later he is watching porn, now I know that porn isn’t a really big deal but I got hurt and pissed and was like shouldn’t you be conccerned about how I am feeling instead of watching porn? Shoould I be mad or just be like whatever?”

This past week I had to ask on my personal Facebook page “On Mommy blogs and people write “dh” to describe husband, what does it stand for? Dumb husband?” Yes, I read all the dh’s as dumb husband, not dear husband! What?! 😉

Here are a few of my favorite replies…

#1. “Did you snap at him? Did he know you were in pain at that moment? He probably felt rejected.”

Awww, poor husband felt “rejected” because he couldn’t get sex when he wanted it, when he asked for it. Poor husband whose wife snapped at him because she was in pain and didn’t feel like being banged at that moment. I feel so sorry for him. Seriously really? No, fucking really?! My husband knows better than to ask for sex, he gets it when I offer it or when I am in my crazy sex ambien fog. Any man with half a brain knows that you don’t ask your wife for sex, especially when she is pregnant. If husband does ask for sex and then gets pissy when he doesn’t get it, the wife should not be held responsible for what happens to the dear husbands dick during the night. In the question it sounds as though she said it nicely by saying, “do you want to take the chance?”, I would say her husband is lucky, because I would have said, “You fucking touch me I will cut your dick off!”

#2. “My ex husband would have went next door and fucked the nieghbor. I would rather him have watched porn. It is all a matter of persceptive.”

Now everytime I look at my “Find iPhone” app and it says my dh is at home, I will wonder if he is actually at the neighbors house! The little green dot doesn’t give me an exact location on the street, so I will forever wonder now if he is actually at our house or my neighbors! There is this one neighbor I wonder about. 😉

Seriously though, this is all about “perspective”? At least he isn’t fucking your best friend, your sister, your dog or the priest at church! I hate it when people give advice but say “at least” within it. It is not good advice people, it is you offering information saying your own life is much worse, and we should pity you.

#3. “You being pregnant and uncomfortable means he has to walk around with a boner to hang towels off of?”

Jesus Christ, really? How do you know they didn’t have sex the night before or that morning. Seriously, this lady assumes this guy has not had sex in like a year! A boner that could hang a towel?! Is this guy a virgin? Never had sex? What kind of boner does this ladies hubs get? Maybe her guy takes a little blue pill and that’s why his gets that hard because my hubs hasn’t been that hard since he was 14!

#4. “If for some reason I denied dh (which has NEVER happened and probably never will) I wouldn’t be mad. The man has needs. If I don’t meet them, I’d be stupid to be surprised if they get met another way.”

Yep, she wrote “NEVER” in capital letters. Her post is not anonymous and her picture is a selfie with a big “I am perfect” smile. I hope this lady writes her own blog or will publish a book about her perfect ass sex life, where she NEVER, EVER dares to deny her husband sex, so that us loser wives who don’t give it up everytime our husbands ask for it will learn the real way to a perfect marriage. She has all the answers. The next time I am in terrible pain and my vagina looks like it has elephantiasis, I will still give my husband sex because he “has needs” and God forbid I ever deny him. I actually think those women who say shit like this are lying and have probably not gotten down and dirty EVER with their husbands. When a woman feels the need to rub it another woman’s face how great thier sex life is, they are lying. If it is really so good, they don’t need to gloat about it.

Dear Perfect Patty,

This is my body and I have sex when I want too, not when he wants too, fucking period!

Yours truly,

The bitch who denies her husband every damn day

PS: Your husband just called me and said he has a boner so hard a towel could hang on it because he hasn’t had sex in two years. Liar, liar, Perfect Patty’s pants are on fire.

#5. “Uh, “raises hand”, I’m a woman and would have done the same thing. Do you not find it uncomfortable to walk around with a hard clit? If I get an itch in Walmart I’m going to the bathroom and scratching it.”

A hard clit?! WTF is a “hard clit”?! Does a clit actually get hard? I sometimes get a tingle down there, but I would never say it is “hard”. On her logic anytime my husband gets a boner we are supposed to have sex or he should just go in his home office and jack off to some porn? Is he 16 years old or a grown ass man? Can he not control his dick? If he gets hard in the middle of Publix, should he run to the bathroom and choke his chicken right there? A man should be able to control his urges and at least wait until his wifey is sleeping comfortably and not in pain to watch some woman with big tits and a worn-out vagina.

Oh and you dont need to go to the bathroom in Walmart to scratch your vagina, in Walmart it is perfectly fine to just scratch that shit right there in the aisle, just don’t do it in Target!

Here is my advice to this Mommy…

If you are in pain or worried about the baby in any way then you have every right to say “NO” to his advances or wanting to have sex. Actually even if you are not in pain or preggers you have every right to say no and he should not get pissy. In my opinion it is not the porn you are upset about, it is the “walking away and shutting the door”, the not caring about you, how you feel and the baby. I would be upset to. I would not have pouted though. I would have gotten my happy ass out of the bed, and put my belly in between his chair and computer screen. I would have grabbed his hand and said, “I will take care of you later, but right now I just need you to sit with me and the baby.” If he still focused on the sluts on the screen, I would have grabbed his pillow and he would have slept in the guest room where he could stay up all night watching porn. The next morning I would have woken him up with my lips on his dick, where I would have told him, “These lips are better than any porn you could ever watch, my lips are magical, so next time maybe give me some time and then you will get a real, live porn experience right here in the bedroom with yours truly as the star!”

Time to feel yourself up.

I have spent a lot of time thinking about breasts lately, as I see women in bathing suits my eyes tend to go there, so all I am thinking about is boobs. I am so much like a guy, I spend so much time thinking about vaginas and tits! Too bad for my husband I don’t have the sex drive of a guy!

Anyhoo, my thoughts about boobies bring me to a story I would like to share with you…

This is the story of a girl, a girl very much like me, 32 years old, two little boys, a wonderful husband, and a dog. It was last summer, a summer full of fun with the family, that Michelle’s life changed forever. After a concert, while she was taking a very needed shower, she discovered the pain in her chest was more than soreness from a water fight or picking up her son, she had a lump, a very obvious lump.

Let’s go back, she is 32, don’t want you to miss that?! 32 FREAKING YEARS OLD!

Michelle went immediately to her doctor, and while she tried hard to relax when he told her he thought it was nothing to worry about, he scheduled a mammogram for that week. Please note she went immediately to her doctor after she felt the lump, she did not wait for weeks and months hoping it would disappear! While getting the Mammogram she knew something was terribly wrong when they asked her to wait and then did more angles for the Radiologist. A few days later came the biopsy and then one week later, her worst nightmare coming true. Stage 2, maybe 3, breast cancer with two lumps, not just one. She was devastated. A mother, wife, teacher, daughter and sister, she was living her life safely and healthy when at 32 years old she had to hear those dreaded words, “You have cancer”.

Michelle put her big girl pants on and prepared for 18 weeks of treatment, including weeks of chemo, a mastectomy, radiation, and an eventually a boob job. Months and months of fun! But she did it, and I can say that she is cancer free as of this date! She is happy and healthy, raising two beautiful children and a husband! Please go to her Caringbridge page to read her story.

I need to admit to all of you that I do not like to “claim” I had cervical cancer, because mine was right on the line. My hysterectomy cured me without any chemo or radiation. My “catching” it early was not luck, luck had nothing to do with it, it was me keeping up with my exams. I have HPV and have had it since I was in my mid-twenties, which puts me at a high risk for Pre-cancerous cells. I followed medical advice and scheduled my appointments out months ahead, so I was right on target with my tests. I never missed an exam or waited because I was too busy with my kid, such a bullshit excuse ladies. I want you to understand one thing, breast cancer can be silent just like cervical cancer, hell just like most cancers, but we can be pro-active and give ourselves exams. I want everyone to be like Michelle, if you have a concern don’t wait and be scared of what could happen, get your ass to the doctor and figure it out. You know your body better than anyone, so be your biggest advocate!! It isn’t about luck, it is about you doing your body good, so do the self-breast exams, right fucking now!